The Proust Questionnaire, Dunder Mifflin Style
by crackers4jenn
Summary: I think it's pretty self-evident. This 'challenge' is sweeping the internet like wildfire, and I figured I'd dip my toes back into the fanfic pool by trying it out.
1. Chapter 1

**1. Your most marked characteristic?**  
Dwight: Unapproved, I have several. For instance, if this entire building was to flood, I'd not only have the skill and capabilities to keep the least weak alive for the duration of time, but I could turn this baby raps knuckles on wood-plastic composite desk into a scow proficient enough to keep afloat three, _easy_. Assuming, of course, Phyllis or Kevin or Stanely aren't passengers. I carry, at all times, in my desk, a complex collection of water tablets. _Beneficial_, because who knows what toxins will have contaminated our main water source? I have flares. A snake-bite kit. Insect repellent wipes, an emergency solar blanket, nunchucks.

Plus, I'm fantastic at customer service.

**2. The quality you most like in a man?**  
Kelly: Wow, this is so tough. Well, okay, first of all, I like someone who's really, really cute. I know that sounds so horrible and SO shallow, but, c'mon, fess up girls, you totally know it's true. No one wants to have the frumpy-looking boyfriend. Plus he has to be really nice and love babies and dogs and want to meet my parents, even if I totally don't _want_ him to meet my parents--ahhh, too soon! And I think if he has awesome taste in clothing, well, that can't hurt either.

**3. The quality you most like in a woman?**  
Andy: smiles Uh, _boobs_, duh. sobers I'm sorry, that was inappropriate. What quality do I most admire in a fair maiden... this is tough, 'cause there's _so many_ choices. Alright, how 'bout we simplify it, my peeps? I like music, ergo my Lady Love must worship the ol' melody as well. I like food. It's good if she does too. Oh! And it's totally, totally cool if she knows the National Georgraphic theme song, 'cause, _hello_. _Awesome_. starts to hum Ba-ba-ba-buuuum-bum! Bum-bum-bum-bum!

**4. What do you most value in your friends?**  
Michael: Man, that's a killer question. Um. Totally genius, by the way. But. Wow. Okay, well, have you ever seen that movie The Goonies? It was really big--like a cult classic, or whatever, back in the 60's or 70's when it was made. I don't remember, I was, like, _six_. But I remember watching it and thinking to myself... _This is the life you want, Michael Scott. This is exactly it. Take a good look, drink it all in, and never, ever forget it._ And all these years later, I still haven't. Man. I still--oh, what was that other movie! Remember! Even better, I think it was... Stand By Me? Does that sound familiar? Oh, god, that was such a tear-jerker, what...ever it was.

**5. What is your principle defect?**  
Dwight: sneers Okay, listen up, people. I am a _Schrute_. Therefore, I am genetically predisposed to be excluded of defect. You think the rigorous mating and breeding my ancestors went through was so that, centuries later, some... some hereditary nightmare with weak bloodlines would walk the Earth? scoffs Obviously not.

Also... I am lactose intolerant. Sometimes. 60/40. reconsiders 70/30.

**6. What is your favorite occupation?**  
Pam: Oh, okay. I get it. Because I'm a receptionist? Well, actually, sometimes I like my job. Yeah, so. I mean, it's not every little kid's dream to grow up and answer phones, or deal with Micheal, but sometimes--you know what, sometimes I don't mind.

And besides, it totally beats telemarketing. Which, in all seriousness, is included on my resume.

**7. What is your dream of happiness?**  
Michael: Hmmmmmmmppph. _Maaaaan_. Okay, picture this: I'm surrounded by dozens of people who love and worship me. I'm in a commited relationship with a woman who has a great sense of humor, most times. Sometimes. I own my own place. I have the biggest office, with the best view. I'm the breadwinner. laughs Sound familiar? Yeah, well, it should, 'cause I'm already living a life of happiness. This is just... everything here is... _yeaaaaaaaah_.

**8. What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?**  
Karen: Let's see. Moving from Stamford to Scranton for a job that totally sucks and doesn't pay nearly enough for who--_what_ I have to deal with. Moving into a new apartment and having to sign a lease that doesn't actually expire for another seven months. _Not_ getting the job you were pretty damn sure you were the most professionally qualified for. Oh, and having your boyfriend dump you in a really giganticly huge city so that he could rush home and proclaim his _'epic love'_ for the girl who sits at the front of the office and takes messages for a living. looks out the conference room window, frowning And having to, you know. _See_ them. Every day. looks back Or whatever. And I guess dying in a really horrible car crash would suck too.

**9. What would you like to be?**  
Angela: Exactly as God intended me to be. It seems dishonest to try to be anything else. Like _certain_ other people who work at this office, who's names I will refrain from saying _only_ because it's of poor taste to speak so in the same vein as the Lord. looks intently at the camera

**10. In what country would you like to live?**  
Creed: Easy. North Cambodia. They've basically got it set up so that anyone with an identifiable passport can get in. I have six. Not a big fan of the monsoons, though.

**11. What is your favorite color?**  
Kelly: Pink! Pink, pink, pink, PINK!

Dwight: I have no favorite color. Next question.

Stanley: I do not care.

Michael: Yes, I love these kinda questions! Let's see. Blue. No, eeeeeck. Red! Orange! Okay, seriously, seriously, probably purple. laughs I just like to say purple.

Pam: I don't know, I guess I sorta like pink. Don't tell anybody that, 'cause it'll ruin my reputation of being a tomboy. Oh, and incase you're wondering, since this is important and all, and it's cool to know, especially if you're twelve and playing those M-A-S-H games, Jim will say that blue is his favorite color, just so he'll look all tough and manly, but really he likes yellow.

Jim: I guess... Blue. Wait, did Pam say something?

**12. What is your favorite flower?**  
Toby: I always kinda liked tulips. My ex-wife was a big tulips fan, and every anniversary I'd make sure to surprise her with a big bouquet. All different colors. It was... it's actually one of the better memories.

Michael: YEEEEECK. Flowers are for _girls_. Women. Little Women. But, to answer your question, since I do not squat when I use the restroom, I really don't think I can fairly answer this question. Except, oh, you know who you should ask? _Toby_. He's such a woman. _Non_-offensive to females, since Toby is effeminate. coughs I like daisies.

Kelly: One time, like a week after Valentine's Day, Ryan surprised me by giving me a _rose_. No, it _sounds_ romantic, but it was actually one of those fake ones that are made out of chocolate and it's like, okay, thanks, you want me to _get fat?_ That's what you're saying? I love you so much, I want you to get fat? I didn't talk to him for, like, an entire lunchbreak that day. I was _so_ mad.

Pam: I don't know, I guess I like sunflowers. I mean, I should probably say something really typical, like 'roses', but. I don't know, that just was never me. I was never the 'rose' girl. Although, one time, when me and Roy first started dating, he surprised me on my seventeenth birthday by decorating my room in all different colored roses. I thought that was really sweet.

**13. What is your favorite bird?**  
Angela: smiles I love birds, they're so angelic. I would never choose a bird over a cat, of course, but. I do enjoy their songs.

Dwight: I despise birds. They're useless, and they spread diseases. But... they can fly, so. I guess there's some good in them after all.

Michael: The road-runner! Wasn't it _hilarious_ how he always avoided that coyote's tricks? Priceless. Plus, one of my favorite taglines of all time: meep meep! laughs I love that.

**14. Who are your favorite prose writers?**  
Jim: Wow. Getting hit with the hard stuff here. Is it--it's really funny, sorta, 'cause, uhm, well, I grew up in front of a TV, basically, so. Books? Yeah, what're those again? Coffee table propper-uppers?

Creed: Jack Kerouac. quotes "The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars, and in the middle, you see the blue center-light pop, and everybody goes ahh..." I'm also a big fan of the haiku.

**15. Who are your favorite poets?**  
Karen: I always liked Elizabeth Bishop. I know, the cool college thing was to quote Robert Frost or whatever, but I digged what Elizabeth was saying. I guess. I don't know, it's been a while since I read anything. Kinda... _not_ in a 'go, feminism!' place right now. Weirdly.

Michael: Dr. Seuss. Hands down. Sometimes, when I'm feeling out of place or I'm upset with whatever stupid thing Dwight's decided to do today, I go to my desk, open up the third drawer down, and take out my copy of The Cat in the Hat. Never, not once, not a single time, has it failed to instantly cheer me up. It's really kinda infal...ca...able... that way. quotes I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I Am! laughs It's so great.


	2. Chapter 2

**16. Who is your favorite hero of fiction?**  
Dwight: Starbuck. _Obviously_. Not only is she--not only did she pilfer a _Cylon_, uh, hello, assassinating robots--but she _flies_ better than everyone else. _And_ she's a woman. It's probably hellish three... reconsiders ..._five_ times a month, but despite that, or maybe because of it, who knows, she's still the best pilot there ever was. Even better than _Adama_.

**17. Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?**  
Michael: Heroine? Wait a sec, doesn't that have to do with drugs or something? Because I specifically already told someone before, someone... like, way before, that I don't condone the use of drugs, besides accidental-- pause, as definition is given Oh. Oh! laughs Whole new playing field, then. Whole new ballpark! Uhm. Actually, I'm a really big fan of Katie Couric. Does she--she counts, doesn't she? I really admire what she does for ABC and the morning news and... she's such an inspiration. Oh, Oprah too! I looooves me some Oprah. Remember when she used to _hate_ meat? laughs Man, that was... great. Really, really... great... whatever happened with her, anyway?

Dwight: Already answered. Next.

Pam: How horrible would it be if I said Nancy Drew? laughs I'm so uncultured.

**18. Who are your favorite composers?**  
Kelly: What is that, like someone who drives a train for a living? _Gross_.

Angela: I like Gerswhin. Most times, I find his music... comforting. I have a gentleman friend who prefers the sound of Beethoven. I do _not_ like Beethoven.

**19. Who are your favorite painters?**  
Michael: Our very own, Pam Beesly! I dare any one of you to find a better, more honest, more platonically sexy painter. In fact, just to make things interesting, _I double-dog dare you._

**20. Who are your heroes in real life?**  
Michael: Probably me. If you think about it, a hero is someone with a heart of gold. A hero _saves_ people. A hero risks his life again and again for the people he loves. That's what I do every single day I am here, at this job, surrounded by these people. Some might call that 'heroism', but I call it 'lifeism'. How 'bout that?

Dwight: Uh, duh, Michael Scott. I once witnessed him saving a deer from oncoming traffic that'd fallen on the road. Of course, it was already roadkill by that point, but Michael didn't know that when he pulled his car over and rushed to its side. He risked the same fate. That, is a hero.

Jim: I told Dwight he was my hero once. Jokingly, of course. Sorta. _Now_ he pretty much won't let it go. "Hey, Jim, need help getting to your car? _From a hero?_" Or, "Hey, Jim, want a _hero_ sandwich?" I'm... not actually sure about that last one.

Pam: My mom. Totally. And, I know, total Clicheville, but it's true. She's such a strong person and she's so smart and I love her more than anything and--alright, now I'm being overly sappy. Feel free to flick me when I go off the Sap Chart, okay? I'm serious. New Pam is more assertive, more in control of her hairstyle, and way less sappy. pause And one of those annoying people who talks in third person, apparently.

**21. What are your favorite names?**  
Kelly: Veronica, Shiloh, Shi_a_, Ava, Brangelina, Rebecca, Peter Petrelli, Sabrina, Kanye, Gwen--

Michael: I always wished my mom named me _Dan_. I feel like a Dan sometimes.

Kelly: --Jennifer, _Ryannnnnn_, Missy Elliot, Rhiannon, Maddux, Britney...

**22. What is it you most dislike?**  
Michael: Raisins in my muffins. Uuuuuggggh, that's just the _worse_. smiles On a serious note, I do not like having to fire people or being told that the branch might downsize. _Thaaaat_ did not feel good.

Dwight: Jim. Halpert. pause Also, antibiotics. They tell you that you need them, but that's just like saying you _need_ a disease. Uh, no. Actually I do not.

Pam: It probably sounds weird but I really, really don't like cottage cheese. It's just, okay, I eat a lot of yogurt, which I guess is maybe the same consistency? But, I don't know. Not a big fan of the lumpy old milk, I guess. pause Oh. And world poverty is awful, too. I just--I feel like that needs to be said... once... since probably no one else did.

Jim: In alphabetical order? Would that be--? Airports, badminton, _not_ a big fan of cephalalgia, Dwight, ohhh, the education system has _got_ to go, _just_ the Funky Bunch...

Toby: I think that's probably obvious. Right? I feel like it's probably pretty obvious.

Michael: Oh! TOBY! I hate Toby. So much. You know how, the day is going great, everything is perfect, all your employees are happy, and then--whaaaam, like a Fun Suction, in walks Toby, and his frowns and his horrible bad vibes and--he's always so _unhappy_, isn't he? It's like, your divorce was years ago! Get over it! It's like he's milking the attention. Big... stupid... _milker._ He's just so _mopey_! You know? Uuugggh. Such a downer. It's like my day gets marginally worse just 'cause he has to walk in the room. I would love it if I could fire him. I would just... _man_, I'd love it. I'd have a Fire Toby! Day every day, if I could.

Toby: I dislike Michael. Which... probably isn't so wise of me to say, out loud, but... there it is. I really, really dislike Michael Scott. pause Are these being shown to anyone?

Kevin: _Angela_. Get this, today, when I wasn't even _doing_ anything, she started to look at me in that _Angela_-way. _You know._ And so I said, whisper-shouts _What?_ And she said back, whisper-shouts _Nothing!_ But it _was_ something. pause I don't know what, because she didn't say, but I am _sure_ it has to do with my new calendar that is definitely _not_ worksafe. grins

**23. What historical figures do you most despise?**  
Pam: Remember that sleazy Ben Franklin that Michael, for whatever reason, hired? To come here? Yeah. He sorta painted a real dark streak over the real Ben Franklin for me.

**24. What event in military history do you most admire?**  
Dwight: Fact: war is for insipids. Unless it's a precautionary to prevent world wide globalization of zombies. Or robots. Or... robot zombies. Otherwise? _Pointless_.

Kelly: I _LOVE_ when, like, really pretty famous people go over and talk to the troops in, like, Afghaniraq or whatever. Like Scarlett Johansson? You can _not_ tell me that all those boys out at sea weren't like, spazzing all over the place. They totally loved it. Which is good. For war.

**25. What natural gift would you most like to possess?**  
Jim: Since I was a tiny Jim, many, many years ago, I've always wanted the gift of _snark_. Deadpan, subtle, self-deprecating. I have just _never_ been able to get it right.

Michael: A healer. I solve _so_ many problems with my words, but, here's the problem. Words are just _WORDS_. What do they really heal? A broken heart? I don't know. Maybe. But not literally. Sometimes I wish I had the power to _really_ get in there and fix a bunch of hearts.

Karen: It'd be _really_ great to be more aware. Not necessarily _self_-aware, because, believe me, all my faults are listed in some internal, numerical list that's probably this side of sadistic and OCD, but--it'd be nice to be able to read people better.

**26. How would you like to die?**  
Jim: _Morbid_. Yikes. I don't know, something painless? I hope. And happy. Painless and happy. Final answer.

Creed: Oh, it's all the same. Overdose, blown to bits by the enemy, chased down by a wild bear... we all end up as the same shark bait. Also, _soylent green_. Learned that the hard way.

**27. What is your present state of mind?**  
Karen: Frazzled. A little. But in an okay way, I hope.

**28. To what faults do you feel most indulgent?**  
Michael: I don't believe in indulging your faults. Why? So that you can never improve as a person? As a human being? That's insane. I say, _out_dulge your faults. Try that on, America. Maybe it'll fit?

THE END.


End file.
